This month is Miscarriage and Infertility Awareness Month (along with other things.) I don't talk about it too much, but I think about our lost baby everyday. Usually it's just a small thought, "I wonder if it would've been a boy or girl", "What color hair would it have had?", "Would it be speaking a lot now, or just little words like Connor?", etc. I love my son, and I know I wouldn't have him now if we hadn't suffered that loss 2 years ago. I'm in a decent place with regards to that loss. I'm not happy about it, and I will never be, but I've accepted that it happened and there's nothing I could've done differently. I will always love that baby.
Yesterday (10.15.15), we participated in the Wave of Light movement, lighting a candle to honor the baby we lost, as well as all the other babies lost in miscarriage, born sleeping, or who passed shortly after birth. It was a worldwide movement to help bring awareness as well as pay respect to those that were lost. It was meant to go from 7-8pm, but I couldn't bring myself to put the candle out until I went to bed around 1230am.
I have had numerous conversations about miscarriage since I made our loss public about a year ago. I kept it a secret for while, refusing to talk about it, hoping that the pain would just disappear. I know now that talking is cathartic. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it makes the loss more real and (for me) that made it easier to deal with. Keeping it to myself made it seem like a secret, or like I was ashamed. I blamed myself for a long time, but I know now that there's nothing I could've done differently. That's a hard truth to accept, but it is true and there's something comforting in accepting that reality. It wasn't my fault. I literally had no control.
Talking to my husband helped my to understand the science of what happened to us. Talking with my international moms group/facebook family helped me to accept it and adjust to living with the loss. They were also very comforting throughout my pregnancy, because (as anyone who's lost a pregnancy can tell you) I was scared the entire time, expecting the worst every single day. I love those women and I don't think I would be the same woman I am now if not for them.
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