I feel guilty. This baby isn't getting the same level of focus and attention that Connor got while in my belly. I'm so busy keeping up with Connor that I don't even notice or recognized that I'm pregnant a lot of the time.
At this point, with Connor, I was hypersensitive to any and every movement in my belly. I would sit on the couch, watching tv and savor the movement of the human being incubating inside of me, knowing that he was ok. With this little one, I barely notice the movements, unless I'm completely alone and 100% focused (which I can honestly say, happens very rarely). I made it through the first trimester and I'm not nauseous anymore, meaning I am without that constant reminder of the person inside me. Up side? I don't feel like shit 24/7. Down side? I don't actually feel or acknowledge that I'm pregnant most of the time.
I know that I am, and I take weekly pictures of my belly, so I see that I am, but I don't feel very different and I'm not reveling in it like I had intended to do. My plan was to savor every single second of this pregnancy, because it is my last and I won't get to feel another tiny person growing inside of me ever again. Don't misunderstand, I'm relieved that this is the last time; it's honestly a "light at the end of the tunnel" feeling for me. I genuinely dislike being pregnant. I just feel badly for not giving this baby as much attention as I feel like it deserves. I know this is probably normal, the more kids you have, the less time you have for yourself. It's completely logical, but I've never been a very logical person. Ask anyone who's had to talk me down from a crazy, emotional ledge.
I'm being healthier this pregnancy, which is very important to me. With Connor, I wasn't "unhealthy," exactly, I just ate what I wanted, when I wanted, as much as I wanted. As a result, I gained 50 pounds. This time around, I'm paying attention to what I eat, how much, when, and drinking a ton of water every day. I'm 17w (and a day) and I've only gained 3 (maaaaaaybe 4) pounds so far. I feel really good about that. I know I've got a long way to go, but I'm happy with this information. That's the only real comfort I have in this pregnancy. I'm prioritizing my health, diet, and water intake more than I ever have. Now, if I could just get through a workout without feeling like throwing up, that'd be great.
I guess the whole point of this is that "savoring" as I had intended hasn't worked out so far. I keep telling myself that it will change when they baby gets a little bigger and is easier to feel (therefore harder to ignore), but until that time, I feel a little sad for not noticing the baby's existence like I feel I should. It will change at some point, if nothing else, the newborn baby will demand all of my attention for a while, and then I'll be writing about how sad I am that I can't give Connor all the attention he's used to. I suppose this is just parenting with more than one kid, isn't it?
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