Before anyone gets all uppity about how "PTSD is for victims of war and violent crime", think about it. PTSD: Post TRAUMATIC Stress Disorder. Miscarriage is one of the more traumatic things any human being can experience. It definitely qualifies.
I woke up in a full-blown panic attack at 6am. If you have panic attacks, you know how terrible that feeling of completely lack of control and unadulterated fear is. My husband, bless him, knows the best way to handle it is to try and keep me calm and just ride out the storm. I love him for that. There's literally nothing else to do, so he does that (like a pro).
I had a dream (more appropriately, I had the mother of all nightmares). In the dream, I was newly pregnant (hadn't told anyone yet) and I noticed some spotting. Bright red. Instantly, my blood was icy and I was having trouble breathing. I pulled my mom and sisters into a room and told them what was going on: I'm pregnant and on the verge of losing it. Then I replayed all the things I'd done over the last couple of days and how it was my fault I was losing the baby because I should've been more careful, played less with Connor, rested more, etc etc. I went to the bathroom and it happened. I "passed" the baby, as they say. That's the moment when I woke up. Crying, coughing, couldn't catch my breath.
It's been 2.5 years since our miscarriage. I thought I was over it. I thought I was ok. Turns out, you're never really over it. Now, as I lay in bed (afraid to go back to sleep), I'm wondering if we should have a second child. Maybe one is enough. I don't know if I can handle going through another pregnancy knowing it could abruptly end at any second, that the baby we'd love so fiercely could be taken from us in a heartbeat.
I'm jealous of those who don't have this paralyzing fear. It must be nice.
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Writer and Contributor for the Motherhood Community