Oh body pillow, you amaze me
The way you curl and hug my body in all the right ways
Supporting me without smothering
Providing comfort for my sore joints
Allowing me to simulate sleeping on my stomach without actually smooshing the baby inside me
I don't know why I waited this long to welcome you back in my bed
I was wrong to delay
You are exactly what I needed to sleep like a rock and wake feeling refreshed
Thank you for all that you do
Pregnancy would be much worse without you
I feel guilty. This baby isn't getting the same level of focus and attention that Connor got while in my belly. I'm so busy keeping up with Connor that I don't even notice or recognized that I'm pregnant a lot of the time.
At this point, with Connor, I was hypersensitive to any and every movement in my belly. I would sit on the couch, watching tv and savor the movement of the human being incubating inside of me, knowing that he was ok. With this little one, I barely notice the movements, unless I'm completely alone and 100% focused (which I can honestly say, happens very rarely). I made it through the first trimester and I'm not nauseous anymore, meaning I am without that constant reminder of the person inside me. Up side? I don't feel like shit 24/7. Down side? I don't actually feel or acknowledge that I'm pregnant most of the time.
I know that I am, and I take weekly pictures of my belly, so I see that I am, but I don't feel very different and I'm not reveling in it like I had intended to do. My plan was to savor every single second of this pregnancy, because it is my last and I won't get to feel another tiny person growing inside of me ever again. Don't misunderstand, I'm relieved that this is the last time; it's honestly a "light at the end of the tunnel" feeling for me. I genuinely dislike being pregnant. I just feel badly for not giving this baby as much attention as I feel like it deserves. I know this is probably normal, the more kids you have, the less time you have for yourself. It's completely logical, but I've never been a very logical person. Ask anyone who's had to talk me down from a crazy, emotional ledge.
I'm being healthier this pregnancy, which is very important to me. With Connor, I wasn't "unhealthy," exactly, I just ate what I wanted, when I wanted, as much as I wanted. As a result, I gained 50 pounds. This time around, I'm paying attention to what I eat, how much, when, and drinking a ton of water every day. I'm 17w (and a day) and I've only gained 3 (maaaaaaybe 4) pounds so far. I feel really good about that. I know I've got a long way to go, but I'm happy with this information. That's the only real comfort I have in this pregnancy. I'm prioritizing my health, diet, and water intake more than I ever have. Now, if I could just get through a workout without feeling like throwing up, that'd be great.
I guess the whole point of this is that "savoring" as I had intended hasn't worked out so far. I keep telling myself that it will change when they baby gets a little bigger and is easier to feel (therefore harder to ignore), but until that time, I feel a little sad for not noticing the baby's existence like I feel I should. It will change at some point, if nothing else, the newborn baby will demand all of my attention for a while, and then I'll be writing about how sad I am that I can't give Connor all the attention he's used to. I suppose this is just parenting with more than one kid, isn't it?
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Writer and Contributor for the Motherhood Community