I recently read a blog entry, by an unmarried teenager, about people being overly opinionated when it comes to the "right" age to get married. I was surprised, and frankly disappointed, in her writing and the arguments she made. Not to mention, she spoke/wrote like my high school students...
Before anyone gets all uppity about how "PTSD is for victims of war and violent crime", think about it. PTSD: Post TRAUMATIC Stress Disorder. Miscarriage is one of the more traumatic things any human being can experience. It definitely qualifies.
I woke up in a full-blown panic attack at 6am. If you have panic attacks, you know how terrible that feeling of completely lack of control and unadulterated fear is. My husband, bless him, knows the best way to handle it is to try and keep me calm and just ride out the storm. I love him for that. There's literally nothing else to do, so he does that (like a pro).
I had a dream (more appropriately, I had the mother of all nightmares). In the dream, I was newly pregnant (hadn't told anyone yet) and I noticed some spotting. Bright red. Instantly, my blood was icy and I was having trouble breathing. I pulled my mom and sisters into a room and told them what was going on: I'm pregnant and on the verge of losing it. Then I replayed all the things I'd done over the last couple of days and how it was my fault I was losing the baby because I should've been more careful, played less with Connor, rested more, etc etc. I went to the bathroom and it happened. I "passed" the baby, as they say. That's the moment when I woke up. Crying, coughing, couldn't catch my breath.
It's been 2.5 years since our miscarriage. I thought I was over it. I thought I was ok. Turns out, you're never really over it. Now, as I lay in bed (afraid to go back to sleep), I'm wondering if we should have a second child. Maybe one is enough. I don't know if I can handle going through another pregnancy knowing it could abruptly end at any second, that the baby we'd love so fiercely could be taken from us in a heartbeat.
I'm jealous of those who don't have this paralyzing fear. It must be nice.
It's that time of year again! When everyone is vowing to eat more veggies, drink less caffeine, workout regularly. It's gym owners' favorite time of year because motivated people come, sign up, spend a couple hundred then quit going.
I've been that person. I've been the "I wanna get fit" girl, joined the gym, went about a dozen times...did it again the next year...and the next year. Then I decided that I was being silly and wasting money, so I quit with gym memberships (because I wouldn't go). When I found out I was pregnant with Connor, I vowed to be healthy. The end. Nothing fancy, no specifics, just be healthy. It was so much better!!! If I make an effort to be more health conscious, I find I'm far more likely to achieve and sustain that goal. This year, I will be continuing that goal, by adding to it an attempt to cook more meals. I'm not setting a specific amount ("cook 5 meals a week") or anything like that because those sorts of restrictions tend to make it stressful and ultimately result in failure. Nope, I'm just gonna cook more.
I've seen tons of posts over the last couple days saying things like "what's your resolution?" or "what are you gonna do to be better this year?" Was last year so bad that this one needs improvement? I don't think so. Last year, my son grew from a blob to a walking, talking little human being. I'd call that a win. I'm not resolving to fix things, because I don't feel like anything is broken. I'm just looking forward to the adventures this year will bring. What's gonna happen with my little family in the next 12 months? Who knows? But I'm anxious to find out!!
Please don't interpret that as me insulting or diminishing other peoples' efforts to improve on their current state of living. I just don't like the way a lot of this "new year new you" crap looks/sounds.
I do plan on building my Scentsy business more this year. So far, 2 days into the new year, my business has paid for my car's inspection and registration and will (most likely) be doing the same for my husband's truck. I feel pretty damn good about that! It's a nice little accomplishment that lessens the load my husband feels he has to bear for us. I'm helping, while still getting to spend my days with our delightful little boy.
What (if anything) do you want see happen in the next year? For you? For your family? For the country or the world? What do you want out of 2016?
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