12 week appointment

Considering it's been 2.5 years since our miscarriage, and the fact that this pregnancy has been textbook good, one might think that I would be relatively worry-free and just happy about this. One would be wrong. Very very wrong.

We heard the heartbeat when we saw the baby at our first (and so far only) ultrasound at 7w1d. It was the most amazing sound in the world and it put me at ease for a little while. I thought we'd get to hear it again at our next appointment the following Friday, but my OB said it was too early for her Doppler to be able to pick it up. I was thoroughly disappointed.

I've spent the last 4 weeks straining and praying to feel the baby move, so I'd know everything was OK. I'm pretty sure I felt movement a couple times, but it's so early that I manage to talk myself out of believing I really felt the baby. Today was my light at the end of thee tunnel. Well, honestly, it's more like a check point in some seriously long, life altering tunnel. I kept telling myself "no signs of trouble, and you'll hear the heart in a couple weeks/days/hours". Didn't really relieve my stress at all.

When the doc came in, she visited for a couple minutes, talked to Connor, asked how I was feeling, but she knows what pregnant mommas are looking for when they come, so she got down to business. Connor got a little nervous when she first started rubbing icy jelly and the Doppler around on me, a combo of loud sounds and weird visuals, but he got over it quickly. She moved around, relocated, pushed down harder, lighten her touch, adjusting...adjusting...adjusting. Never a good sign. I know what I'm supposed to be hearing, but I'm not. I just hear my heart. In my head, I'm trying not to freak out, playing out how this will go, how will she tell us, how will we tell everyone else. Please, keep in mind that this is all running through my head in 2 minutes or less. She says "I hear it, but it's hiding and mixing in with yours. I'll try and isolate it." That gives me a little comfort, because if she can hear it, then the baby must be OK. Another minute ticks by and still nothing. Then, like a goddamn miracle, I hear it. That rapid little thump thump thump of a happy, healthy baby heart. I instantly relax and start crying. My doctor chuckles, "wow, you were really nervous." She's been with us from day 1, so she knows my history and she remembers how stressed I'd get with Connor. She just smiled and let me listen for considerably longer than "normal." It was perfect.

Traditionally, I'm not an anxious person. I can take things as they come and handle what needs doing. Until it comes to pregnancy. Thanks to starting off on the wrong foot over 2 years ago, I am literally always stressed about the baby. I know it will be easier when I can feel the movement and know that everything is OK in there, but that is still (more than likely) weeks away. Fucking miscarriage. Ruins things even years and years later. I'm so grateful this is our last pregnancy. I don't think I can handle this stress again.